this is the night life: [turn off the lights]

hey. 

feeling lonely in my room. time to…. write. LOL.

This past year has been… pretty transforming. 

I sit here now in my room off campus, somehow survived a year without a meal plan (by sneaking in to the servery everyday and utilizing my resources properly… so basically stealing other people’s food) and a year filled with mostly ups and some downs.

This past year made me realize the importance of friendship (let’s make a movie out of this extremely cliche and cheesy tagline) as well as the person I have become/will become/is trying to become. I will only talk about those two points.

First, this last year has made me value my friends like no other year before it. No, I’m not saying I never liked my friends before now, but somewhere in the last 365 days, a burnt out fire rekindled in me that lit up my understanding, appreciation, and love for my friends. Now that we are two years into college, everyone has been separated long enough to discern who’s really made “the cut”: who do I still actually try to catch up with and talk to?

Well, the honest truth is, not many. 

I mean that’s fine. I enjoy talking to those specific people because I feel like I can tell them whatever I wanted, and that there is somewhere outside of Rice that I can vent out all my Rice problems to. But also listening to their stories, their concerns, their happiness, everything that make up life.

However, I do mourn over the sad cold fact that many of my old high school friends have become nothing but acquaintances, people who I will not be able to hold a conversation for more than 15 minutes outside of the usual “how are you”, “how is school”, “what’s your major now” inquiries. But that is also an inevitable part of college that I foresaw two years ago.

Inside Rice, I have established many relationships also: mostly acquaintances, few close bonds. Having these bonds, these people around me who are willing to go through the hard college life with me, is one of the most comforting feelings I have ever felt. Whether it is a hardcore all nighter (something that I have never done before) or drinking till I passed out and having someone to take care of me (something I am not proud of), knowing there are people around me who are willing to go through with all that with me and still be with me after, really warms me up inside (in a non sexual way).

This year, I have become closer to people at Wiess. I feel like I say this literally everyday, which is probably true. With that closeness, bonds that were established before become loosened. It’s like tug-of-war, when one side gains more of my time, the other side certainly loses. Perhaps this doesn’t have to be the case, but I don’t think I’m good at managing my time. It makes me sad to realize that many of the old bonds have been shaken and that some are slowly but surely slipping out of my grip. 

This last year, perhaps one of my friends transformed me the most. I’m not sure how it happened, or why it happened, but it did. Through my friend, I’ve become more sensitive, more loving to others, strange, bold, and more of how I am today. I’m uncertain whether these traits diffused to me from my friend, or whether I have just become more so to impress/show my friend, either way, it’s happened. There is almost nothing to regret here, and if there was one person whose relationship I value the most, and someone who I want to have close by even way after college, I’ve found my person. I can’t even describe my feelings here, and I only wish I was better at describing/showing my emotions so that you would understand. It sounds so cheesy and cliche, but I won’t be here today as the guy I am if it weren’t for you, and there is absolutely nothing that I can do/have done to make up for your presence in my life.

Point two. The person I am today, is definitely not the same guy who walked out of Plano to come to Rice two years ago. It’s made me a bit sad when I found out that my friends think I’ve changed, but then again, I’m not going to live my life as someone else’s mold.

I’ve become more outspoken, more confident, and/or more shamelss. I no longer care as much about what people think about me. If you don’t like me, then it’s your loss. I’m sorry if I offend you, it’s not anything I ever try to do. If you hate me for being myself, then perhaps we should talk it out and see if we can work something out.

I guess the person I’m trying to be now, is… ambiguous. I want to be the nice guy, but I don’t want to lose my idiosyncrasy. I want to keep my weirdness, my boldness, my shamelessness, my ability to make people laugh. They are all characteristics that I value highly. 

What I want the most, what my foolish dream is, is for everyone to laugh. Laughter and smiles are universal, and it gives me a high whenever I know people are happy because of me. It’s a selfish and narcissistic thought really. But to make someone laugh, or to know that someone’s day just went from shitty to slightly less shitty because of you, is one of the best feelings I have ever felt. This is why I am willing to go out of my way to give up my time and resources to comfort someone I care about. Yes. This is so selfish, to say that I do what I do for myself, not for the other person. But I feel like somewhere during this last year, things also changed. I started to care a lot more about those around me, even more so than before. I captured every moment, every second of sadness, every instance of bitterness, every teardrop shed, and absorbed them into myself. I felt their sadness, and I cared so much for them that I would do anything to trade their sadness for what I was feeling. I wished countless times to somehow be able to take the burden off the shoulder of someone I cared about, and tell this person that everything is ok, and that I will always be there even if nobody would be. So many times I could have said those words, but they never came out. I always felt down when I feel so powerless.

Then again, through this experience, I have become “the nice guy”. Perhaps not to everyone, but I do my best to extend my “care” to everyone. Some say nice guys finish last, and that bitter fact is not based on faultless grounds. I know what it feels like to let go of something so that someone else can take it in my place, the feeling of knowing that even though I may win in a battle, I would lose just so that the other person can taste the wonders of victory in my place, the feeling to realizing that in the end, I am willing to be alone so that someone else can be happy. It was a few weeks ago that I understood what I lived for, and for a few hours, I broke. I recovered pretty quickly thanks to my friends (which goes back to the first point).

Well, I’m starting to be uncertain about what I want to say now. But do I care if nice guys finish last? What if I do finish last, it’s whatever. It’s only a saying, an adage that doesn’t have to be true. At the end of the day, I know what as long as someone else is happier because of me, at least that’s something I can be proud of. Maybe it doesn’t have to be this way, maybe the nice guy will finish first one day. Who knows. I’m going to be waiting for that day to come by.

It’s almost midnight, and I think I will go.

Just know that I wrote this all for you… whether you know it or not.

Thanks for this last year. Smile for me.

LOL kkbai

sound so depressed. but im not.